A Convenient Choking Fit
by aftermecomesthefloods
Summary: Blaine and Kurt invite their distressed neighbour into their apartment, and have to deal with the drama of a break up and the fact that their couch has become a popular sex-spot…


**A/N: **

**Hey guys! I know I haven't written anything in ages, but I just started university and I've been doing shows and all that jazz. I know. Excuses, excuses, right? **

**Anyway, I have no idea what this is, to be honest. I don't know where the fuck it came from or how my brain possibly made these connections, but I wrote a bit of a ficlet for my friend Sam (littlemusings), and have decided to post it on here. **

**Um. So. Excuse the randomness. **

**And for future reference, Mari is pronounced Maaa-ri (like, emphasise the maaaa, not the rii) **

**Anyway, enjoy :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Kurt, Blaine, Cooper or New York. I do however kind of own Mari, Alice and that couch. **

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><p>Blaine quickly punched in the key code of his apartment building and staggered inside, trying his hardest not to drop all of his shopping.<br>_This is the last time I volunteer to do food shopping without Kurt_, he thought as he stepped into the lift. As he reached his floor, he managed to get his key out of his pocket, via an interpretive dance when he noticed someone sitting on the floor outside their neighbour's door. She had long red hair and bright green eyes and was crying silently as she muttered to herself.

"Stupid stupid stupid stupid," he heard her say. Blaine was instantly worried. Okay. There was a slightly insane and possible homeless girl sitting in their hallway. He was a barista. He did not know how to deal with this shit.

"Excuse me… Miss? Are you alright?" He called, cautiously moving forwards. She jumped at his voice.

"Shit, you scared me," She sighed, placing a hand to her chest. "And no, I'm not alright, but it doesn't matter."

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how exactly did you get in here?" He moved closer still. She certainly didn't _look_ like a crazy homeless axe murderer.

"I live here," She said, gesturing to the door she was leaning against.

"Have you locked yourself out of your apartment or something?" Blaine asked. The girl laughed, but it didn't reach her eyes.

"Not exactly."

"So… Why are you sitting out here all alone?" She heaved a sigh.

"I'm out here because my friends and all my family live on the other side of the city and I would just drive there, but my car keys are inside my apartment. Along with my cell phone, money, clothing and _FUCKING PSYCHO GIRLFRIEND!" _She yelled through the door. Blaine took about seven steps back at her outburst.

"Sorry… What?" He asked confusedly.

"My girlfriend and I had a fight and she kicked me out of my apartment. So I am now homeless. Not that anyone cares. And before you say anything, yes I am gay. No, I am not going to hell and no we will not make out in front of you, so please just go away. I really don't have the time or the mental capacity to deal with homophones or stupid people right now," She snapped. Blaine couldn't help but to laugh.

"It's alright. If I was a homophobe, I would be also be a hypocrite, and I _really_ have absolutely no desire in seeing you and your girlfriend make out. No offense. I mean, you're beautiful. I'm just not on your team."

"Well, shit. I feel like we should have a rainbow flag on the wall or something," She said sarcastically.

"I'm Blaine," he said, dropping some of the heavy shopping on the floor and holding out his hand. The girl eyed him wearily before shaking it.

"The name's Mari."

"Okay, this is going to sound really weird, and I swear I'm not a creep or something, but did you want to come over to my apartment? You can use the phone or do whatever you need to do," Blaine offered.

"Really? I mean, I don't want to trouble you or anything…"

"It'll be no trouble at all," he assured her with a smile. Mari finally smiled, and jumped up, grabbing some of the discarded bags on the floor.

"Do you live by yourself, or?" She asked as Blaine opened the door.

"No, with my boyfriend."

"And you're _sure_ he won't mind?"

"It'll be fine, trust me," he reassured her, leading her to the kitchen and dumping the bags onto the counter.

As they walked back into the living room, Mari glanced at all the pictures of Blaine and his boyfriend on the walls. How happy they looked. She couldn't stop the tears from flowing as she saw how happy they were.

"Hey, come on. It'll be okay!" Blaine exclaimed as he saw her start to cry. He hesitated before putting an arm around her and leading her to the couch.

"I'm _so_ sorry, Blaine. We've just met and I'm already crying all over you like an idiot…"

"Don't apologize. Trust me. You should see when Kurt and I fight. I'm always such a mess!"

"Kurt? Is that his name?"

"Yeah," Blaine couldn't help but to smile as he thought of his boyfriend. Mari chuckled.

"Alice used to look at me like that. Now I'm not so sure…"

"Alice? Is that her name?"

"Yep."

"You know, if you wanna talk about it, you can…" Blaine suggested. Mari sighed and wiped a few stray tears off her face.

"Ali and I have been together for three years. I moved across the city to be with her. We went and saw her parents today, and I found out that they still didn't know she was gay and they _still_ didn't know we were dating. Which would usually be okay, but Ali told me that they knew. She told me they knew about us, but they were a really conservative family, so we really couldn't act like a couple around them, which I was fine with. But then they asked her if she had a boyfriend and she just looked and me and I knew she lied. I didn't say anything. I wasn't going to out her. I just came straight home. She followed me and then I yelled at her and she yelled back and somewhere in there I called her a stupid cowardly bitch and _that_ didn't sit right and then she called me an ungrateful whore – I'm still not sure why – and she kicked me out. And then you came along and here we are," Mari explained. Blaine was shocked.

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"So, I can definitely see why you're angry."

"Thank you."

"But then again… you did call her a 'stupid cowardly bitch'…"

"Yeah, not really a wise move. I'm realizing that now. It's just… I love her. So much. And I wanna marry her. But now, it feels like our whole relationship is nothing, you know?"

"Yeah, I can see where you're coming from. But still… Coming out is hard for everyone. Maybe she's scared?" Blaine suggested.

Mari was about to reply when the door was thrown open.

"Hey, baby? I'm home!" Blaine heard Kurt call.

"In here!" He answered. Kurt turned the corner to the living room and froze when he saw his boyfriend with his arms around a crying stranger on their couch.

"What's going on?" Kurt asked, placing his satchel on the chair.

"Uh… Well, this is – uh…" Blaine fumbled.

"I'm Mari. I live across the hall I'm so sorry about this… It's just, my girlfriend kicked me out, and all my stuff is still in the apartment, and I really didn't have anywhere else to go. Blaine was just letting me chill in here for a bit. I'll call a friend or a cab or something now and I'll be out of your hair," Mari said, standing and shaking Kurt's hand.

"No, don't be silly. You can stay here for as long as you need," Kurt assured her. "Blaine, can I talk to you in the other room, please," He said with a forced smile, before dragging his boyfriend into the kitchen.

"I have never been more confused in my life, and I grew up with Finn. Explain. Now," Kurt demanded. Blaine did his best, telling him about Mari and her situation with Alice and all the details before Kurt sighed in relief.

"Okay, good. I just had to check. You know I love you and your kindness, but I wouldn't put it past you to invite a murderer into our apartment for afternoon tea."

"Hey!" Blaine exclaimed.

Kurt laughed and kissed his forehead when there was a knock on the door. "I'll get it. Just… stay with our visitor, alright?"

Kurt made his way back to the front door, opening it again to reveal another girl at the door. She had brown hair, blue eyes which were red and her pale face had streaks of dried tears.

"Um… Hi. Sorry to bother you. I'm Alice, I live across the hall. I was wondering if Mari was here," she said quietly.

"Hi, I'm Kurt. And yeah, she is. Come in," Kurt stepped aside, allowing her to step through the door. He closed it and quickly led her to the living room. As soon as Mari saw her girlfriend enter, she stood and crossed her arms, glaring.

"What the hell are you doing here? Come to kick me out of _another _apartment? Mari snapped.

"I'm sorry…" Alice whispered.

"What?" Alice burst into tears and Mari's face softened.

"I'm so sorry, Mari. It's all my fault. I know. I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have kicked you out. It was stupid. I was stupid. And you are _not_ a whore," Alice babbled, and Mari moved forward and pulled her into your arms.

"No… Alice, _I'm_ sorry. I shouldn't have got so mad… You shouldn't come out if you're not ready. It just… it felt like you were ashamed of me or something," Mari explained, pulling Alice onto the couch with her.

"No! Never! I love you. I really do. I was just scared about what my parents would say, you know? But after I kicked you out, I called them and told them everything. And they were mad…"

"Oh god, Ali, I'm so sorry, I –"

"No, listen. They were mad, but not at the fact that I was gay. They both said that they didn't really care which gender I preferred, as long as I didn't whore around and as long as I give them at least one grandchild. They were mad because we've been together for so long and I didn't tell them. They love you. _I_ love you. And I am so sorry."

"_God,_ I love you too," Mari exclaimed, before she pulled Alice into her lap and kissed her.

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><p>Kurt and Blaine hid in the kitchen, watching this whole scene pan out. They knew the girls needed their privacy, but they were curious.<p>

"Oh my _god_, this is better than a soap opera," Kurt whispered.

"I know, right?" Blaine answered with a quiet giggle. They stopped watching when the two girls started kissing heatedly because really, there were some things they could go without seeing.

"Blaine, they're kissing on our couch."

"I know."

"What if they have sex?"

"They will _not_ have sex!"

"Make up sex is the greatest thing ever, Blaine."

"They're not going to have sex."

"The. Greatest. Thing. Ever."

"Okay, yeah, maybe they'll have sex."

"That couch is new."

"I know. _We_ haven't even had sex on our couch yet."

"Our couch is about to be sex-christened by our female neighbours. Lovely."

"Maybe one of us should fake a chocking fit or something?" Blaine suggested. Kurt rolled his eyes as the phone rang. He grabbed it and quickly ducked back to his hiding spot.

"Hello?"

"_Hey Kurtsie!"_ Blaine's brother, Cooper boomed.

"Hey, Coop."

"_What's new?"_ Kurt smirked.

"Oh, nothing much. We've just got a couple of girls making out on our couch. Nothing big." Blaine let out a snort of laughter and leaned closer to hear what their brother was saying.

"… _Okay. Firstly: WHAT? Secondly: Holy shit, I'm coming over. And finally: WHAT?" _

"Cooper... You live in Florida," Blaine pointed out.

"_I do not care. I will fly the fuck over right now, oh my god._" Both boys couldn't contain their laughter anymore, which startled their guests. Mari and Alice pulled apart quickly, realising where they were.

"Uh… Thanks for everything, guys! It was nice meeting you, as weird as the situation was…" Mari called into the kitchen, grabbing Alice by the hand.

"We'll see you later!" Alice added, giggling as her girlfriend dragged her out of the apartment.

"Have fun, girls!" Blaine couldn't help but to call after them, laughing as Kurt wacked him on the arm.

"_Trust you two to get the hot neighbours. But seriously, I'm coming over. And I may or may not bring my video camera." _

"_Goodbye_, Cooper," Blaine said with a laugh, before Kurt hung up the phone.

"That was officially the weirdest day we've had in New York so far," Kurt said.

"We were hiding on the floor in our kitchen while our lesbian neighbours almost had sex on our new couch… Yeah, it doesn't get any weirder."

"Speaking of our new couch… How about we christen it now? You know, before the girls come back and beat us to it," Kurt said with a smirk.

"That's the best idea I've heard all day," Blaine answered, grabbing his boyfriends hand and pulling him into his arms.

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><p><strong>AN: **

**COCKBLOCKED.**

**Again, please don't hate me. **

**So anyway, there you have it. An extremely random oneshot to break my hiatus. You'll probably see me around more often now. Yaaaaay. **

**Review if you wish, and I shall post again soon.**

**Thanks for reading!**

**- Lily xo**


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